Wow I wrote something!

DAMN IT

2004-10-28T13:13:36Z

Karen's computer is a BAD COMPUTER!! Stop going back for no good reason!

Anyway, I read a bunch of posts today. I'm tired though so no good update to my own journal.

I just want to say Happy Birthday to Helena and Happy Halloween to everyone else.

Also let me know what you think about this realization I had on the train to Tottori...
Language spoken by a group resembles the group speaking it...
It may only work for American English and Japanese, but just let me know what you think... if you have any thoughts on it that is...

I'll be Nanoing soon, so wish me luck!

Stolen from Somnium_lux

2004-10-24T09:47:31Z

My Best Friend is vuuduugrrl

Our 36 common interests are: anime, dancing, drawing, dreaming, fukuyama masaharu, hugs, j-pop, matsuura aya, nanowrimo, smap, smiles, traveling, anime, dancing, drawing, dreaming, fukuyama masaharu, hugs, j-pop, matsuura aya, nanowrimo, smap, smiles, traveling, anime, dancing, drawing, dreaming, fukuyama masaharu, hugs, j-pop, matsuura aya, nanowrimo, smap, smiles, traveling

Who is your best friend?

Created by macoto

hmm, go figure...

Well, I'm better now. Going to see Ed was about as brilliant an idea as it appeared stupid. We are good friends, and that makes up for the void I found after we broke up. There is a twinge of pain sometimes but oddly my healing has speeded up since I saw him.

On to other things. I miss my livejournal friends. I'm very sorry that I have been neglecting you, but I go to the cafe so rarely that it usually takes me the whole hour to answer emails. sigh. I will be better though, I promise, I'll try.

THOUGH,
Novemeber will be tough! I have Nanowrimo and I am determined to win again! Good luck to my other Nanos, and if you don't know what it is check out
www.nanowrimo.org

Bye for now!

Deliquent Alison

2004-10-19T13:27:31Z

Hey guys,
quick update, sorry its very ego centric...

Top news story,
Alison and Ed have broken up. Alison is healing pretty well, and both parties hope to remain good friends. The shock was massive at first, but the long distance of the relationship has helped in the short term healing. Hoping it is not a saddistic act, Alison will be visiting Ed this Wed, as a friend. Though time apart from him would normally be the prescription for healing her heart, she feels that the lonely situation she finds herself in calls an alternative course of action. Basically, she needs all the friends she can get. Some think her brave, others think her crazy, but this reporter believes that its just the best option for her.

More news on its way (and a good read through of her lovely friends journals)... whenever it is that Alison should find herself in a cafe again.

Thank you and good night.

I want my friends...

2004-10-03T09:41:55Z

Sigh...

I'm homesick. Classes are awesome, but I am lonely.

I vented on Ed and I feel bad, but I think it needed to be said to someone. Sorry honey.

Lost in Osaka (but not translation!)

2004-09-26T09:02:32Z

Okay so I'm not lost anymore. I am safely back at the Dotonbori Hotel, where I am supposed to be. I am going to get my Mos Burger on and then chill in my little business person room, a room big enough (just) for a twin bed a little tv on stand and a desk. The hall way has a door to my uber small (as most are) bathroom where I will be destressing from my hour walk around underground Osaka.

Tomorrow I'll be heading out to orientation from 11 to 5 and then I'm off again, back to Okayama. There I will stay at the Benefit Hotel until friday, while training at the main Okayama school. Then maybe they'll finally let me go home.

Bear made it to me today, just in time to say goodbye again for 5 days more. I was tempted to take him along with me but since I had to stand on the Shinkansen to Shin-Osaka in the smoking sect, and then got lost in underground Osaka I think I made a good choice in leaving him behind.

I'm getting dizzy from lack of food, so I'll say goodbye here. Until the next installment of Alison in Japan have a fine time. And as the girl-next-to-me's shirt says "Scoop Real Deep." (kinda sounds dirty)

Japan...

2004-09-25T06:12:13Z

I'm here (Matsue). Soon I will be back there (Osaka) and then there (Okayama) for orientation and training. Then I get to come back here for work and finally to settle in to my new home. Had to fight the urge to jump on the train to Izumo to try and find a certain missing boyfriend of mine. I made it to an internet cafe DANMMIT. Sorry Honey but I really miss you and I won't get to see you for still another week. FIND INTERNET!!!

Anyway, I like my city, my roomies, and my room will get better once I have my luggage and Bear arrives. I have two futons already so if anyone wants to visit... hint hint.

Anyway, I have to go pretty soon. I hope everyone is doing well. I'll write more tomorrow night from Osaka. Lots of Love everyone!

Off I go...

2004-09-22T03:26:04Z

Leaving for Japan in 9 hours...

I'm so overwhelmed that my head isn't really aware anymore what that actually means.

I'm very tired.

My bags weigh 60 and 64lbs. I hope.

Bear (a big white teddy that I love dearly) is unfortunately having to ride over in a cardboard box with UPS. Mom is sending him tomorrow. Yes i know Bear is just the most original name.

I was crabby earlier. Now I just feel heavy.

I was in Gville this weekend. Said goodbye to everyone. Didn't cry until I pulled out from my usual parking spot uder Christy and Toby's Basketball hoop. Forced myself to stop crying, since I was driving and it was late and very dark. Started crying again when i past the last exit for Gville. Bye bye home for the last 6 years. I finally stopped crying somewhere just before Ocala... then it started to rain.

I don't mean to bum you guys out. This is especially hard for me tonight, for some reason.

I'll write again in a few days when I'm settled in Matsue.

Playing grown up...

2004-09-17T12:03:57Z

I sit here on this, my last day of my temporary mind numbing job, eating a salt bagel and listening to my "girly" compilation CD. As I look back on my short time with McNichol's Co I notice that I kept the goals that I set for myself, short term and long term (long term in this case being a month and a half ^_^).

Also during this time, I've kept up with a work out routine (except when I was sick), become an avid reader, and set up a stock portfolio. I swear i'm just playing at being a grown up. I still get the urge to run and jump, to giggle and play, to daydream and do handstands in the pool, to plug my ears up and sing "LALALALALALA... I can't HEAR you!" ^-^

I can't hold it in anymore...

2004-09-15T19:42:27Z

Don't they know that they shouldn't name their companies like this:

Quality Erections
Mechanical Erections
S and M Steel Fabrication and Erection

They have to know that there is always someone like me with her mind in the gutter. OOOhohoho ^o^

A little lost and a little found

2004-09-15T17:43:49Z

Even though I've been getting things done as far as my up coming move, I still feel like I'm being swarmed by things that should be done. Part of the problem, I hate to say, is that I am going to be in Gainesville this weekend. But I have to go. If i didn't I would be heartbroken. There are people that I just can't not say goodbye to, just one more time. That and I'm obligated to attend the Cher concert there on Monday. Sigh. I guess I'll have to keep working hard these next three days after work. But Monday after the concert (I wonder how late -_-;) I have to drive home. I'm not missing one minute of my last full day with my parents. Both of them are taking the day off. I'm almost tearing up thinking about it. How can I be so excited and so sad and scared at the same time?!

At work I've been struggling to stay concentrated on my indexing. Today during a failed effort to do this, I finally started making some peace with Pink Floyd. This band was both introduced to me by my first love and then nearly ruined by his leaving me. I got over him, but for some reason I've had a hard time making up with Pink Floyd. I feel like maybe they just bring me back to a time where I was most unhappy. Not just about Sal and I but about the whole f'ed up year. Even though it was all 7 years ago the scars still ache from time to time. But back to the songs, I had already taken back Money (which was actually a song I related with my father since its his only Pink Floyd song. I also took back most of Momentary Lapse of reason (the album) since I came across that later in my college career. Mostly its the albums, Meddle, Shine On..., and of course Darkside of the Moon (minus Money) and The Wall. I figured I could live without them. Then I met Ed, who is a Pink Floyd fan. Sigh. Can't get away from them it seems. Well he introduced me to a couple of songs that I may have heard before but never made mental connections with. They are now on my playlist. But my big victory is Comfortably Numb. Thats Sal's favorite song. It is also on my playlist and not bugging me so much anymore. Yay me!

Anyway, I've bored you enough for today. Hope everyone is well!

"I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby."

2004-09-10T18:39:36Z

Less than 12 days left till my flight outta this hurricane punching bag. This mosquito pit. This permanent suana. This place I've called home for 24 years 4 months and 12 days. Sigh.

I really do love Florida, but there is so much i will not miss at all. And maybe I won't like all the seasons, but at least for once I'll experience them.

Still my stomach is wiggly at the thought of 12 days. So on to different topics...

That cold I brought back from Cleveland persists. My sick sense of irony led me to start reading The Stand, which as many of you may already know begins with an apocalyptic case of the flu. As the characters show their mortality with a sneeze or a sniffle I sit and wipe my nose and turn the page. I'm getting better though so I'm sure the world will go on.
I've read a lot of Stephen King in the last 12 years and this is the first time I've truly committed to reading the 1141 page epic. And even though I'm only on p. 218 I'm willing to call this his masterpiece. I've been drawn in. I was drawn in on p. 1!

I guess its back to work now. I'm trying to get us to a good spot in the indexing before I leave them/am stranded at home by Ivan the Terrible. Its coming along, but I forsee them falling behind again when I'm gone. Sure i'm being egotistical. I have a right since before i got here it would take almost a month to index a month worth of Accounts Receivable. There is no way you can catch up at that pace! I did one month by myself in 2 weeks! In the month that i have been working (minus 3 days of vacation and 2 sick days) I've demolished 3 months plus several months of Accounts payable. you guys may not know what that means but i do and believe me THATS how they are going to catch up!

"Break my bones to watch them heal"

2004-09-07T14:41:12Z

I'm back from Cleveland. I came back to the butt end of Frances. I came back with a nasty cold and the knowledge that my godmother will probably die before I see her again. After two breakdowns yesterday and today I am recovering. There are only so many emo emails you can send to your boyfriend before you just want to strangle yourself with your own self pity.

So anyway. My final letter from Nova before my departure should be coming today or tomorrow.

I'll report the location of my future home at that time.

Hope everyone who got whipped by Frances or typhoon #18 are all alright. Let me know whats up!

50,000 words of what?!

2004-08-29T15:21:38Z

Hi all,
I'm having a hard time deciding what to write for this years nanowrimo. Its in November so I have some time, but some ofmy ideas require abit of research before jumping into the story. So I'm asking for you guys to read a couple synopses and let me know which you think would be better for the crazy race to 50,000 word in 30 days...

Dimener Elaine:
Story of a girl being sucked into another dimension and finding herself in the middle of a prophecy coming true. Its based on the Escaflowne style animes, you know girl-from-another-world type stuff. Little peeks into the plot: Elaine is brought to this dimension by accident when a scientist of the dimension tries to improve upon his house by taking part of hers. The other dimension is run by a "man" named Parliament who has taken one of the princes asa gift of good faith between him and the figurehead. Oh and the people of this dimension are kind of fuzzy blue. teehee

Untitled #1:
This story is about the children of an attempted witch who royally botches a spell to bring her dead husband back to her. The two oldest children have to go into the afterworld to rescue her from a Hades-like godfigure. There are several levels that they must through before they can reach her though. Some of these include several religious views of the afterlife and some gods play the part of the guardian of the level. I don't know that any of them will be named as they had been but I will try to make obvious who they are by their actions. Oh and Socrate, Plato and Aristotle all have cameos, like in Dante's inferno. Of course, their parts are very different from Dante's writing of them. This particular story will take alot of research but it is also the story that I most want to see done one day.

Untitled #2:
This is something I've been playing with recently. It has roots in Lord of the Flies and a song by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. There is a plane crash, an island, an incounter with whales, and then whalers... Its going to be told in sections almost linearly, some in 3rd person and some in 1st person. This one will take a little reading too. Its not all developed, but when your writing 50,000 words in 30days even the best laid plans end up getting trashed by spontaneous ideas.

Okay so thats what I have to choose from. Hopefully none of the other ideas I have will shoot forward into my mind in the next couple of months. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

Good to be reading again...

2004-08-25T12:40:10Z

I finally got around to the Stephen King Series The Dark Tower. I finished the first book "The Gunslinger" last night even though I was tired as all hell and it was past my bedtimes. I only had 10 pages and I wanted to move on (move on like the world in which the story is set, heh).
The end of the story was alittle disappointing, but that won't stop me from reading the next book "The Drawing of Three". I liked most of the story prior to the ending and the lead character The gunslinger, aka Roland is an interesting character. He has a cold determination that can even make him throw away something he loves. It can't stop him from floundering in that terrible decision. He is a solitary figure like the Kurasawa samurai (which you know that I love). I hope he'll remain this way. There are a lot of books ahead. But I trust Stephen King more than any writer to sustain his character. I think that there is some connection between these stories and The Stand because looking ahead at the synopsis for another book in the series I caught the name Flagg. Randall Flagg was the avatar of the devil in The Stand...

Anyway, I decided not to jump right into the next book. I figure I have a tendency to get stuck in series so i should seperate the books by some time. So i finally openned one of the books Ed bought me, "Riders on the Storm" by John Densmore. Just the first pages describing his visit to Jim Morrison's grave were amazing. I think I'll love it. I'll keep you all informed.

Well back to work. I gotta wake up soon or they're going to find me snoring on the floor...

Feeling a little girly today...

2004-08-18T11:48:37Z

So most of you know that I battle with an evil inner demon... my self esteem. Well its been plaguing me recently, in a bad way. Last night as my stomach twisted and turned to the rhythm of my silent worries about myself, I decide to make a resolution. I got up and looked in the mirror and picked out the things that I liked. Then I decided that I have done pretty well for myself thus far. I must pretty cool. I haven't been smiling as much as I used to and that really doesn't help, so I'm going back. Smiles ahead! Its stupid of me to worry about things that I can't change and not to change those things that I can. I know fairly well who I am and where I want to be, so I'm pulling that girl out by force! DAMN IT! ^-^

I decided to dress like a girl today. I've already gotten comments at work and I've only been here for 15 minutes. I think I might dress this way tomorrow too.

Oh well. Wish me luck everyone. I don't know how long I can keep this up, but I'm so tired of being sad, having my tummy do the twist, and cringing when I look at myself in the mirror. I know what I'm capable of so I will look a ahead to what WILL be. You know what I almost looked pretty today!

Outrageous Cary Grant...

2004-08-14T13:04:54Z

Big Rental Suggestion:

Arsenic and Old Lace: This is a hilarious story of murder, confusion and insanity with Cary Grant in the middle of it just trying to protect his family. Its goofy and frantic much like the later Noises Off. Also, like Noises Off, it was a stage production prior to silver screen success. Its just so much fun, everyone should watch it!

feeling guilty

2004-08-14T12:55:57Z

So Charley hit our neighbors to the south. Seeing the damage part of me wishes that he would have just hit here. We were very prepared. I mean there would have been alot of damage but it would have been more water than wind. Ft Myers has already gotten it twice now. And poor Charlotte Bay...

Not that I really wanted us to get hit. It just seems like there is some black magic protecting the bay area. I mean we didn't even get winds higher than 15 m/h gusts. And now the nearly 400,000 people who were evacuated are back and half of them are saying that they were inconvenienced with hype. Did you assholes look at the footage? Maybe if you'd come home to THAT you wouldn't have been as inconvenienced. F***ers.

So now we have a Tropical Storm Danielle. I don't think she be much harm to Florida since she's real far away and turning north in the predictions.

We also have a Tropical Depression. He worries me a little more, since he is heading for Hispanola, Puerto Rico and Cuba. Gulf Hurricanes are never good. By the way, if he becomes a tropical storm (which is the forecast) they're calling him Earl.

Way too much journaling...

2004-08-12T22:12:10Z

Charley may mass up Ed's return from Chile. DAMN IT! >_

The Steve Miller Band and a request...

2004-08-12T22:08:49Z

I was listening the the somewhat lyrically challenged Steve Miller Band and enjoying most of my time with them when I thought that it would be fun to admit to other guilty pleasures... Maybe some of you will save my embarrassment alittle by joining me... Seriously though, I would like it very much if you all at least let me in on your most favorite guilty pleasure.

Here are a few I can think of:
Stupid teen movies
Cheesy horror movies (eg Leprachaun, Child's Play, Nightmare on Elm Street, you get the picture)
Blink 182 (hehe)
Crane Games
Air Supply (hehehehe)
lovey dovey awwwww moments

ooooooo Tha reminds me! When I went to Orlando with weylyn42 to pick up vuuduugrrl from the airport I saw this guy with a big sign that said "Welcome Home Beth." Having a Bartleby (Dogma) moment I wanted to watch her reaction. Then i caught a glimpse of the back og the sign... "Will you marry me?" I stood up ("Oh My god!") and walked closer to get a good seat for the festivities. Weylyn42 was pretty confused by my movement but caught on with a quick explanation. Watching intently as the guys phone rang, it was made apparent that somehow Beth had slipped passed him and was already at the luggage carousel. He headed off in that direction... and so did I. Heehee. I wasn't right on his heels or anything so I didn't get to see the sign turn, but i did make it for the squeal and the leaping Beth into his arms. When he put the ring on she decided she couldn't stand anymore and squanted down crying. Everyone was clapping for them, it was great! AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

bankysgrrl @ 2004-08-12T17:04:00

2004-08-12T21:45:49Z

Yeah so this "Charley" character is apparently bearing down on us... hurricanes, pah. Everyone at work was soooo worried, almost frantic. Silly people. The damn thing is still 24 hours away and having seen many a near miss in my life time, I can tell you that there is still plenty of time for this mofo to shift course. He hasn't even hit Cuba yet! Hell hitting land has caused far larger hurricanes to freak out in the past...

Well anyway I got the day off tomorrow, so I shouldn't gripe. Oh yeah, I'm of course talking about my new job with McNichol's Co in Tampa. Its a temporary numbing of my brain/filling of my very needy pockets. I'm categorizing scanned images for their online accounts receivable files. Not exciting or demanding, but they're paying me $1.70 more an hour than my university job!

Yeah so I haven't written in a while, i'm sorry. Its been decently busy what with moving back to my parents' house, getting my black belt and starting my new job...
Yes i did say getting my black belt! Woot! Well I was less than happy with the test/examiner and I hyperventilated due probably to the outrageous heat in the Do Jang, but I know that I deserve the belt, which is I guess the most important thing. I just wish they had challenged me more. I'm tough, I'll take it. Just turn the damn AC on high and i'll kick and punch till its dark...

I've seen a couple of movies that i want to comment on so here goes:

The Village: I loved it! It was spooky without much gore. it had a pretty badass blind chica as our heroine, and she got to be more than capable! YAY strong girls! It was a bit different from previous M. Night Shyamalan flicks in that there are several surprises (not just one big finale one) and everything starts unfolding about 30-45 minutes before the end. I can't say a whole lot more without spoiling (something I refuse to do because you should see it!). --Really, go see it...

28 Days: um, blah. Its a movie... about drunk Sandra Bullock in rehab. The only real plus is Viggo Mortensen. Yum. But his role is teeny so really not worth it. it was pretty dark, but a yawner. -- Don't bother unless you just can't live without Sandra Bullock in an unfunny roll.

Scarey Movie 2: I actually enjoyed it better than the first one. go figure. Its still way to stupidly gross, but there are nuggets of hilarity for those crazies like me who love horror movies. Don't worry, its not scarey at all. Just alot of gross humor and spoofs. It has a surprising couple of cast members. Most especially surprising was James Woods (as a spoof of Father Merrick, the title character of the original "The Exorcist"). -- Its worth a peek if you catch it on TV.

Some rental suggestions by genre:

Drama:
City of God (absolutely see this film, its fantastic)

12 Angry Men (B/W but still gets the blood going!)

The Seven Samurai (Or really just any major Kurasawa film, I mean who doesn't like Samurai?)

The Pianist (but only if you can sit through WW2 nasties, its set in war torn Poland in and around the Jewish ghetto)

Das Boot (Sigh. I just thought it was wonderful. Get a box of tissues, sit and be amazed at what this movie can do to you. Warning: it is a looooong movie and most of the film is in a German U boat underwater)

I think i'm going to make rental suggestions a new feature on my journal. Tune in next time for comedy, sci fi, action, martial arts, romantic comedy or something...

The shape of things

2004-08-02T16:40:14Z

Like me...
Many people have wondered why I don't dress more girly. Its really not that i don't want to. I mean I don't want to give up my jeans and tshirts either, but sometimes I do want to wear a skirt. But i don't.

The reason is evident everytime I go into a clothing store. Nothing is made for girls shaped like me. People wonder why I'm always wanting to diet or exercise. They say that I look fine the way I am. Then don't expect me to wear girly things. Those cloths are made for twigs, not curves and a little padding. Shopping has been making me more and more into a man. I rarely feel good in girly clothes and when i finally get to a size that might be okay, they change the clothes again and now I have to be even smaller. well damn it I like my curves. They make me feel more womanly, whether I get to show them off or not.

Old Navy, why'd you have to leave me?

"This job would be great if it weren't for the f***ing customers!"

2004-07-29T18:23:25Z

But then this wouldn't be a university without the students so I guess I'll just leave. Tomorrow!!!! HAHAHA.

Yeah, anyway, with that said on to the main body of this text...

Lately a new company has taken over the role of drug dealer for my movie habit. Goodbye Blockbuster, hello Netflix!

So I have gotten to see dozens of great old films that I have always wanted to see but didn't have time or money for previously. But more importantly I have gotten to see some movies that I wouldn't have ever seen, thanks to Ed and the IMDB Top 250 movies. Most of you know how much I love my movies so I'm going to try and keep my gushing low.

Das Boot - The story of a U Boat and its crew in WW2. Its slow moving, long, and in german... BUT interesting, emotional, and just plain brilliant. The movie made me feel hope for the crew's victory, even though their enemy was, well us (actually the British, but you guys understand). It has the special honor of being the only movie that I've cried about just thinking about it a couple hours later. Even now I get a little misty. Sigh.
Sorry that was gushing... onward!

The Pianist - Like Schindler's List you get the horribly devastating events of the Jewish during WW2. But this hero is not only a sympathizer, he is a Jew, trapped in steadily falling Poland. He is a brilliant well known Pianist, a fact that keeps him safe for a little while. The story is very personal, there are few moments where you are not looking over Adrian Brody's shoulder. Its emotionally strenuous, but beautiful and scarey-real. Based on a true story.

Dead Man - Weird. Very Very Weird. Great cast. Still weird. If you like Johnny Depp, watch it, otherwise its hard to sell this one. I don't know what I think of it beyond, Weird, Black and White, Western, Johnny Depp.

Unforgiven - Great Western, from its most unwestern moments (old gun men showing their age) to the most western of western moments (Shoot out in a Saloon). Its very interesting to watch the transformation of Clint Eastwood from old man to gun man. Its a great cast, cool story, definitely worth the watch.

Bridge on the River Kwai - At first I thought the movie was a little boring. What saved it was the amazing ending, during which you see exactly why Alec Guiness was knighted. But after talking to Ed I thought about the way they built the story. there weren't any moments where I fidgetted or considered to turning it off. And the character development was fantastic, especially for the Japanese Prison commander. The movie is also special for introducing an extremely famous whistling march, the name of which i wish i could remember. grrrr. Well I'll think of it...

I think thats it for now.
Some music recommendations:
Lush - Topolino
The Smiths - The Queen is Dead and Strangeways, Here We Come
The Cure - Show (live album)

Hope everyone is having a lovely day!
^_^

"Like a flower bending in the breeze, bend with me, sway with me..."

2004-07-15T20:36:28Z

I'm in love with a Canadian. Well at least his voice. Don't worry Ed, you are still my sweetie. But Michael Buble (Boo-blay), a french canadian singer, has renewed my love affair with crooners. If you have not heard of him check him out. He can sing me to sleep any day. My personal favorites from him: "Sway" and "Summer Wind"

In other news, I still hate my job. Records imaging upstairs made me nearly scream 'Thats it! I'm going to Japan!' I for the first time actually mouthed off to someone at work (who is not in my area) and stormed out before they could stammer.

The best part about all of this is what they did to me will be remedied to night, because I know someone who will be here when the office is closed. I can't have what form? Oh I think I can!

Yes another one...

2004-07-08T16:01:30Z

Since there has been not much to do today I've been thinking a lot about my last post and what came out. So I went on a thought campaign that I entitled "Where's Alison" hopefully not to be as frightenly silly as the old 80s Burger King commercial series "Where's Herb"

What I figured was this:
I should be happy... I'm in love, I'm moving to Japan, and he will be in Japan with me. However, I barely ever get to see him, we talk on the phone (a machine that i in fact have always hated, I now fricking despise) and Japan seems far away what with the 2 months between us. Two things that i hold so dear and yet I don't get to fully experience them yet.
Ed and I caught a snag in our conversation last night. I know that had I been sitting beside him he would have been able to hug me back into my former mood. The phone however doesn't have that ability, and though the bear he bought me is quite huggable it obviously is not him.
All i've ever wanted was to be happy and here I am looking at two things that can make me just that, but I can't reach them, at least not as often as I seem to want/need. I've even starting doubting them at times which makes me even sadder, because deep down I know that I shouldn't.

Anyway, the answer to my former question "Where's Alison" is probably about a month in the future. That's when I'll be away from Hell, ie the OUR, and down in Clearwater.

Dear lord i hate whining. Seems like thats too much of what I do anymore. I'm sorry you guys. I'm just too tired to internalize it.

hmmm...

2004-07-08T13:42:45Z

This morning I feel very drained, the way you do after you've cried a very long time. Don't worry I haven't been doing much crying recently... but I'm drinking water like I have. It reminds me too much of the last time I felt this way. Its been a while, thankfully, but the memory is not happy nor doing anything to improve my current mood, which other than being drained is also absolutely not happy. I feel like my cheeks are sinking in, and gravity is really effecting the corners of my mouth. My eyes are extremely dry so I keep my lids close to one another. I'm tired at all. I could sleep if I tried, but I'm actually very alert though i may not appear to be. I'm also both cold and hot at the same time. And quiet, I'm far to quiet to be called Alison today. Where is Alison? Come to think of it, I don't think I've seen her in a while. I've seen parts of her, like glimpses of someone hurrying around the corner up ahead. A heel from a right foot here, a lazy hand sliding around the corner there. Someone tell her to stop and wait. I miss her. I want to introduce her to someone...